Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
