So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
