Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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