i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
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I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
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These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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