in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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