His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
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I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
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Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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