dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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