Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
