Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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