Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
