exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
