Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
