I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
