I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Randomize
