He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
