you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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