we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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