so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
