Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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