I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
