I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
