it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
