yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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