she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Randomize
