Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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