You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
