Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
