He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
