you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go