i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
