After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
