He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
