is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
