He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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