I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
