I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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