i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
