i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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