I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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