And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
