so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
