Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
