There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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