i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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