I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
