i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
