All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
