Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
