i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
