what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
