Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
