tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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