Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
