Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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