Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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