The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
