Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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