it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
