Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
